I was reading this book over the weekend called “The Power of The Other” by Dr. Henry Cloud.
It made me realize something very important.
I always talk about self-love and loving yourself first. I always talk about how important it is to fill yourself up with love so that you have love to give.
In a recent interview I was asked how I deal with heartbreak. My answer was that I’ve always had a cheerleader in my corner. That cheerleader is my mother and she has always been the person that I go to whenever I’m struggling with heartbreak or anything difficult in my life.
Now, I also have my husband, which I am forever grateful for.
My mother never let me wallow in my own pity. She allowed me to be sad and she validated my feelings, but she didn’t let me feel sorry for myself. She reminded me that I have a lot to be thankful for in my life.
She would sympathize with my situation, but then she would put on that brave smile and tell me that I’ve got to be strong and push through. She told me to keep at it, and it will get better. She told me that if I never give up then I will see progress and things will improve.
She never let me quit.
She didn’t crack the whip, however, as she was always kind and supportive in her approach. It was never too aggressive or negative. It was always inspiring. After I finished speaking with her I always felt the same way…
I felt relieved that it wasn’t just me and I wasn’t alone in my experiences. I also always felt inspired. I felt that I had the ability to make changes if I just didn’t give up on myself.
It sounds like a cheerleader, right?
I bring this up because I realized as I was reading this book that not everyone has a cheerleader.
This really bothers me.
This really disturbs me. I hate that some people aren’t as fortunate as I was to have a cheerleader in my life. I literally don’t know what kind of person I would be if I didn’t have my mother. I’m afraid I would have struggled much more throughout my life.
Dr. Henry Cloud calls it a Corner Four Relationship. I call it a cheerleader. Regardless of what you call it, he goes on to say “we all need a person in our lives who will push us beyond feelings of despair and helplessness and toward new possibilities.”
I couldn’t possibly agree more. I owe a lot of my success in my life to my cheerleaders. Yes, I did the work, but I had a lot of encouragement along the way.
The problem is, however, that a lot of people don’t have a cheerleader in their life. A lot of people don’t have anyone in their life that can fill them up. We all need people in our lives in order to survive. That’s just the facts. If you think you can get through life living in your own bubble, then you’re just plain wrong. We need friends and people who we can relate to. We need people in our lives in order to learn about ourselves and how we relate to the world. We need people to hold us accountable and keep us in check.
I realized that it’s going to be more difficult to learn how to fill yourself up with love, if you’ve never had anyone in your life show you how to do this. We all learn from experience and references as grow up. We learn behavior from our parents, family members, teachers, role models, peers, etc. As we grow, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others. This constant comparison either has a negative effect on us, or it inspires us to be better.
If we never have anyone in our life who shows us HOW to fill ourselves up with love, then how do we learn?
We all need someone in our life who does this. We all need someone who inspires us, but also holds us accountable for our actions.
Below are the traits of a cheerleader.
- Tells us we can do better
- Pushes us to believe in ourselves
- Doesn’t let us make excuses for why it’s too hard
- Provides positive influence and insight
- Sympathizes, but doesn’t let us wallow (for too long anyhow)
- Loves us unconditionally
- Inspires us to be better
We’ve all met this person at some point in our lives. This is the person who feels good to be around. This is the person who radiates positivity and practicality at the same time. This is the person who makes you feel like what you’re striving for is in fact achievable. This is the person who tells you to “go for it!”
If you’ve never had someone in your life who’s demonstrated this to you then how do you learn? How do you learn to fill yourself up with love and positivity so that you can provide it back to others? It’s more difficult to give love to other people and have healthy relationships if you’re depleted. It’s like a car running on empty. How can you be expected to perform on an empty tank of gas?
If you’ve never had someone in your life who is your cheerleader then it’s going to be a bit more difficult for you.
That’s the truth. I don’t say that to discourage you, I say that to be real with you.
While it may be more difficult, however, it’s not impossible. In fact, if you can figure out how to do this on your own, then YOU will now be the positive influence in other people’s lives. You will come out even stronger and wiser in the long run. You will become someone else’s cheerleader.
If you have children, then you MUST figure out how to do this. You want your children to have a cheerleader in their life, right? Our job as parents is to warmly encourage and inspire our children. We also have to teach them to be accountable for their actions, however.
How do you do this?
Honestly, this is a really tough one. I spent a lot of time over the weekend thinking about how to solve this dilemma. How do you move forward and put this into actionable terms?
I have some ideas…
Find a Cheerleader in Your Social Family
I’ve spoken repeatedly about how important it is to find your social family. Once you’ve found your social family, then you must find one person that you see has the above traits going for him or her. Find this person and find ways to spend time together. Before you do this, let me caution you. If you tend to be negative and you struggle with filling yourself up with love, then please listen.
The cheerleader type will not settle for negativity. The cheerleader will lead you for a while, but if you continue to be negative and say you can’t and it’s too hard, the cheerleader will move on to inspire someone else more willing to put in the work.
You must be willing.
I don’t say this to be harsh. It’s simply the truth. When you speak with this person you must make a point the entire time to keep things positive. Practice positivity. Be on your best behavior so to speak!
Cheerleaders are great, but they also need to keep their spirits high, if they’re going to continue to be a cheerleader, right? If they find you too draining, then they will move on to someone more willing to do the work. This is great because it provides the perfect opportunity for you to practice being positive. Practice makes perfect, right? (or just better, because we don’t believe in perfection!)
Remember, in order to see changes in your life, you must learn how to keep a positive mindset.
It’s all about staying positive. If you get bogged down in the negativity, then you won’t see progress. This may sound silly to you and who knows maybe it is, but you’ve got to start somewhere, right?
Remember, positive people surround themselves with other positive people. Keep in mind that when you’re negative around a positive person, you’re putting that person into the negative. You’re bringing that person down. YOU are actually depleting that person!
The idea is to fill each other up. Whenever you are around anyone, your mantra should be.
“I will find ways to fill this person up with love during this conversation.”
That’s it. I’m serious. Think this before you open your mouth every time. Speak deliberately and with purpose. Don’t word vomit the negativity all over them, or I promise you this…
You will see this person less and less. Why? This person will need to limit the time spent with you because they feel too depleted after being around you. Simply put, they need to spend time with other “positive mind-set” types like themselves to get balanced out again.
I don’t say this to discourage you. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. It’s very simple. Live the mantra above every time and for the entire time that you speak with this person, or anyone for that matter.
Remember, you are the company you keep. You want to be happy and positive? You need to spend your time with other positive and happy people. Happy and positive people will not allow you to enter the conversation as much if you tend to take it into a negative direction.
Every word that comes out of your mouth should live the below mantra…
“I will find ways to fill this person up with love during this conversation.”
I promise you, if you continue to do this, you will get better at being a more positive and enjoyable person to be around. Before you even open your mouth, think the above. If you’re about to say anything that contradicts this mantra, then STOP. Find a way to change the message or move on from the negativity.
Make a choice to focus on what’s WORKING in your life. There will always be things that aren’t working. When you focus on what is working then you will begin to take on a more positive mind set.
You will find your cheerleader and you just may find your inner cheerleader as well!
Yep it’s cheesy, I know. It’s cheesy, but it’s true.
Need Additional Ways to Fill Yourself Up?
Volunteer. You need to provide a service. (to people not animals) You need to experience more positive human interaction.
You need to help someone else in need. You need to help someone who is much worse off than you. You need to help someone who will put your problems in check. You need to be around someone who will make your problems look like a walk in the park. It’s all about perspective, right?
When you provide an act of service, then these people will appreciate you, and fill you up with love as a result.
You have to be very creative in finding ways to fill yourself up with love from others. The good news?
You can do it. If you’re willing to do the work and live the mantra below. Say this to yourself during the very next conversation that you have with someone today. I don’t care who it is! The very next person…
“I will find ways to fill this person up with love during this conversation.”
More important, pay attention to how you feel after the conversation. You will notice a positive shift in your mind set. If may be subtle at first because you’re just getting started. Keep it up. Keep doing it. The results will surprise you and you will see progress. Remember, all you need is progress, not perfection.
You’ve got this.
Go Team!
Your friend,
Niki Booker
Subscribe to my newsletter for updates and more posts like this.
You can find the book I discuss here on amazon. I highly recommend it and the best part (in my opinion) is the second half.
I also offer private coaching. I believe everyone needs a cheerleader in their life and I’m happy to be yours if that’s something that you would like. If not then that’s okay too. Take care and stay positive! I believe in you. Believe in yourself.
Don’t forget to check out my podcast “Find Your Soul. Find Your Soulmate” if you find yourself struggling to find love. Click here and subscribe in your favorite app so that you can listen on the go.