“Find Your Soul. Find Your Soulmate.”

Episode #34: Do You Wear Relationship Blinders?

Do you keep getting dumped? Having a hard time getting a relationship to stick? Listen to two behaviors you may be taking that are working against you.

(see transcript below podcast links)

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(transcript from the episode below)

So I talked a while back about the most common dating mistake that pretty much everyone makes and we all do it until we get tired of suffering it seems. I did it for years and it took getting my heart broken enough times before I finally figured out I had to make a change. I’d finally suffered enough, so if you find yourself getting into semi long relationships or just quick ones that just crash and burn, or they end abruptly or with a lot of drama. You’re probably guilty of what I’m going to talk about today and if you missed that episode where I talk about what the most common dating mistake is, don’t worry, I’m going to do a quick little refresher.

Basically the mistake is we break up with someone and then we turn around and date someone exactly the same or some of us date someone even worse. They are the same negative traits. They treat us basically the same as the last person because we let them, they let us down just like we were let down by the person before. Maybe because we haven’t learned anything and we’re still accepting poor behavior, whatever the reason, and there’s a lot of reasons. It’s a vicious cycle and it’s one that’s super easy to get stuck in. So, if you find yourself constantly, let down by whomever you day have, you get ghosted. If it keeps crashing and burning, you may be guilty of what I’m going to talk about. So why do we do this? Or more importantly, why do we keep doing it over and over again? Just dating the same type of person and not really learning anything.

So I talk about the why’s in the last episode, but today I want to help you identify two actions that you are taking that lead you down the same unhealthy path. I’m going to address exactly what you’re doing that results in yet another failed relationship. And also I will address how to stop doing it. And I know because it used to be me. I used to do this. So the actions that I’m going to talk about are two fold. I continuously see people do this when they’re dating. The person who does this is the person who can’t seem to keep a relationship, whether they get dumped or they can’t get a relationship to stick. These two actions are all too common. I actually have a term that I use to describe people who do this. They’re called fantasy daters. They don’t live in reality and they see only what they want to see.

Call it rose colored glasses or call it wishing and hoping and praying or whatever you can call it, whatever you want. Bottom line, you’re not living in reality. If you do these two actions that I’m about to talk about, a fantasy dater, right, so the first thing, they only look for things in the other person that validate what they want to see. Second, they ignore what they don’t want to see. You may think it sounds pretty basic and you may think you don’t do it, but the truth is if you continue to date the same type of person repeatedly and you’re still struggling to find someone, you most likely do this. The person who does this will date the same type of person over and over again. Sometimes this person doesn’t like to stick up for himself or herself or rock the boat. Maybe they don’t know any better or they haven’t suffered enough.

As I like to say, you’ll learn when you’ve suffered enough or maybe you’re afraid to be alone. This is the person who only pays attention to the actions or the traits of the other person that they want to see. They seek validation for what they want to believe. This person is all too quick to gloss over unattractive traits or pass them off as isolated events. Brush them off. So why? Why does the relationship end so abruptly? Why? You know, we don’t want to deal with reality. So what do we do? We come up with excuses or worse, we ignore bad behavior. We began to make excuses as to why this person behaves this way, but at some point it’s in our face whether we want to see it or not, or they’re just gone and they were dumped again. But then it happens.

You can’t ignore it anymore. You know? Again, they might end up dumping you out of the blue or worse. They do something really crappy to you, or they just disappear, right? You feel blindsided. But if you’d paid attention to what you didn’t want to see, you wouldn’t be so surprised. This is the reason a lot of our friends viewing from the outside have the, I told you so look on their face when it finally happens and you break up with this person. Do you know this face all too well?

So how do you take off the blinders? How do you stop the madness? If you’re a regular listener of my podcast or regular reader of my blog, then you know, I believe in writing everything down. You know what I’m about to say? You know that everyone should have a journal. If you’re struggling to figure anything out in your life, I don’t care what it is, then you should own a journal and write about it and listen. You don’t have to journal every day. I was talking with somebody on an interview the other day, Erica Barosh Ervin at a www.modernyinster.com and we were talking about how people put journaling on a pedestal and it’s just silly because there’s no right way to journal. There’s no wrong way to journal. I have a post I wrote that can help you if you’re not sure how to journal and you want some direction.

My journal is a mess. I have scribbles all over it sideways. Actually, I have like three different journals that I write in. It kind of depends on what I’m doing. It might be for work. I have a journal for work and one for personal stuff. Um, sometimes I have to do lists stuck in between those. There’s no right or wrong way and you don’t have to do it every day. That’s the other thing I feel like people think if you journal, you have to write every single day like a job. No, you don’t have to every day. You write when you feel it. You write when you’re struggling with something. If you’re struggling with something in your life and you have some kind of epiphany or maybe you just have a thought about it that you don’t really understand, just write, write it down.

You know, we have these random things that pop into our head and sometimes we don’t even realize that. It’s kind of like our brain trying to tell us the answer, but we’re just not slowing down long enough to actually listen to what it is. Anyway, I’ll get off my journal rant. But writing helps you process. Writing in a journal helps you process your feelings, period. Anything you’re struggling with in your life requires you to go through a series of thoughts and you must process those thoughts to find a conclusion. And writing helps you do that. So here’s what you should do, and I think that you should do this. Whenever you meet someone new and you think things may progress in the relationship, then take a moment and write down what you like about that person. What are the qualities that you find attractive in this person right now?

Maybe you know this person has a child. Does this person seem like they’re a good parent or a family person? Write that down. Do they seem kind? Write it down. Does this person appear to be open minded and easy going? Write it down. Does this person appear to be mentally stable and have it together? Write it down. Write it all down and put a date on it. This is now your reality checklist for this person. You will use this list and often refer back to it as the relationship progresses to check in with yourself. If something happens to the contrary of what you wrote down, make a note. If you’ve been dating a while check back in, go back to your list. Are those things that you wrote down proving to be true?
Are they proving to be false? Is this person holding up to your first impression? Remember, whenever you meet someone new, they’re on their best behavior, right? We all do this. We go on a date, we put our best foot forward. The one person that will stick is the one who is consistent. The person you want will show you with their actions that they can back up their words.

Anybody can say anything they want, but if their actions don’t show it, then it’s a bunch of BS. So, did you go back to this list and find that nothing you wrote down seems to be true or things happen to the contrary of what you thought about this person?

You need to take a good hard look at why you’re still dating this person. If that’s the case. On the contrary, you should also write down anything that happens in the relationship that gives you an unsettling feeling. And I’m not saying that what this person did was bad and it actually probably isn’t even obvious. I’m just saying to write down anything that made you raise your eyebrows even once. This is where you need to pay, especially close attention. These are the little clues you will get that something bigger and even worse may happen if the potential is there. Of course. Pay attention to the eyebrow raisers. Those are your little relationship clues. Don’t ignore them. Did something they did not quite line up with your reality checklist? Then pay close attention, the eyebrow raisers are what so many people gloss over.

So many people push them under the rug or just dismiss them all too quickly. Eyebrow raisers are your best indicators of this person’s true self. So, what’s great about doing this is that you also begin to notice patterns. Patterns will emerge. That gives you an idea of the types of behaviors that you’re attracted to. Healthy and unhealthy behaviors. So pay attention. Are they good behaviors? Are they bad behaviors? And through this process you’re now coming up with your list. This is your list of those qualities that are important to you in a person, and those also those qualities that don’t work for you. You can call it your reality checklist for dating.

Okay?

When you began to date someone new, start your reality checklist. Keep yourself in check. Keep that person in check. Keep it real and don’t be a fantasy dater.

Listen, I don’t know what happened to the day when people had a journal and wrote things down. Everything turned digital. No one takes the time to write down their thoughts anymore and again, I know I’m beating a dead horse. I do this every time, but the best way to figure out anything that’s challenging you is to write down your thoughts. As time passes, things began to make sense. When you go back and you read it once a little time has passed, you’ve gotten more references, more things have happened. You’ve seen more. So it’s easier to put things into perspective, but I guess that takes too long in this digital world. But that’s my take on it. Anyway. Get a journal. Thanks for listening today. Don’t wear relationship blinders. Don’t get so excited about the prospect of simply being in a relationship.

We don’t even pay attention to the person that you are potentially going to be in a relationship with. We’re so excited that we meet someone. We’re so excited. This person’s amazing. This person is different. When I hear that over and over again from someone, I want to say, yeah, they are different. There are different person. I hope they’re different cause that would be weird. And yeah, they’re amazing. Everybody’s amazing when you first meet them it seems. If you even have a little bit of chemistry, you think this person’s amazing. Don’t, don’t, don’t do that. It’s dumb. Don’t be a fantasy dater. Don’t just look for things that validate what you want to see. You need to look at everything that’s happening. Don’t just focus on the stuff that you want to see. Look at all of it.

It’s going to get you closer to finding someone to spend your life with. Keep it real. Keep yourself in check. Thanks for listening today.

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