So, the aged old question. When should you have sex with him? It’s not an easy one size fits all answer, unfortunately. I wish it were, but it’s not.
A lot of it can depend on your religion, your lifestyle, and your political views. People seem to be all over the place with when and if you should have sex with someone you’re seeing.
One thing that I know is true no matter your religion, lifestyle or political views is this.
If you have been seeing a man and you think he is “the one” for you…
Make him wait for sex.
Seriously, if you really like a guy a lot, and are beginning to possibly fall in love with him, make him wait. Men need to work for what they get. They place more value on what they work hard for. It’s just the way it is. Whether or not it’s fair or not really doesn’t matter. Life isn’t fair. It is what it is. If you have sex too soon, then he didn’t invest enough time and therefore the value isn’t there. I get that women have a right to do whatever they want sexually. We have more sexual freedom. That’s great! We should.
You just have to be very careful about who you choose to have sex with and the consequences it has. Yes, women can be sexually promiscuous these days. Thanks to feminism, Carrie Bradshaw and shows like Sex and the City, women are a lot more sexually open. I think that’s a great thing, as long as you know what you’re getting into.
Some women simply aren’t cut out for casual sex. They have a hard time separating meaningless casual sex and their feelings once they’ve done it. Some women have casual sex, then try and pursue an actual relationship with the guy. Total waste of time. It doesn’t work that way.
I don’t condone one way or the other. There are also different phases of your life that you may go through, that determine when and if you will have sex with a guy. I don’t believe it’s anybody’s business but your own. I believe that you answer to yourself and yourself only. If you can live with any potential consequences then go crazy! No judgement here. Just know what you are getting into first…
While its more acceptable now for women to be sexually free, it unfortunately doesn’t change a damn thing as far as men are concerned.
If you really like a guy a lot, make him wait. Don’t ruin it by going too fast.
You can have sex with whomever you want, but if a guy has sex with you too soon, it changes the dynamic of the relationship. If you have sex with a guy, before it’s clear that he truly cares about your feelings and happiness, it can potentially ruin what you have. It can become more casual. The relationship may start to take a few steps back.
He needs to pull out all the stops to get you in bed. How hard he is willing to work to get you into the sac, will tell you a lot about how hard he is willing to do other things for you.
Seriously, ask any man who is a good catch, and he will tell you. (if he’s being honest)
“If a woman has sex with me too soon, I begin to lose interest.”
I’m not saying this is a 100% guarantee. I’m saying it’s about a 99.9999999% guarantee.
It’s a harsh reality, but nevertheless reality. Also, he may not lose interest right away, but if it’s too soon, you will notice a decline in his attention and in his behavior. He may slowly begin to pull out of the relationship before you even realize he is doing it. Some men actually do a 180 and disappear!
Of course, there is small percentage of men who don’t do this, but it’s very small. Those are also not guys you necessarily want to be with. I know that sounds dumb, right? It’s true. The guys who stick around, may not be the one you WANT to stick around.
My point is this. The Alpha Male that you want (you know you want him) needs to wait for sex. Alpha Males have more than one woman they can have sex with. Some of them have women throwing themselves at them constantly. You have to stand out. You stand out by not having sex with him. You stand out because you make him prove he is worthy of doing that with you. You have to show him you are worth the wait! I always say that you determine your value, and you have to show men that you value yourself.
This is one of the best ways to do that.
You value yourself too much to have sex with a man who has not committed himself to you. He is not going to get the pleasure of sex with you, until he has proven that he values you, and that he plans to stick around.
When should you have sex? Again, there isn’t a one size fits all answer. Some people think you should wait until marriage. Some think you should wait until you are exclusive. I say you shouldn’t even be exclusive with anyone until you have plans for marriage.
I’m not expecting you to wait until you’re engaged to have sex. I’m saying that make sure that you are most definitely headed in that direction. If you can hold out until you are engaged then even better. I am a realist and feminist; however, I know that’s not really our reality anymore. There is a huge gray area that makes it difficult to maneuver…
I’m also not saying that women shouldn’t be allowed to sow their oats. I’m not! You just have to realize something. Have you ever had sex with a guy you weren’t all that into, and then you all of a sudden start getting jealous and weird after you have sex?
Women get attached when they’ve had sex. Even to guys they weren’t that into to begin with. So be careful. It can back fire. Again, not saying you can’t sow your oats if you’re a woman. You just have to be careful and keep yourself in check. Its either casual sex or it’s not.
That’s why I say, if you really like him, and think he is the one, make him wait!!!!
Sex and Hormones
After sex, men and women release the hormone oxytocin. According to research women release a lot more! This is the same hormone that is released during breast feeding. This is the bonding hormone. When the woman releases this hormone, she begins to bond with the person she just had sex with. If she is breast feeding, she bonds with her baby.
If you are a guy reading this, this is why women can get a little weird after sex. It’s hormonal, like a lot of other things with women, but its normal. We can get a little weird after sex because we feel a little less in control of our emotions.
Meanwhile this is not really happening for the guy. He is more or less at the same place he was before he had sex with you. Damn it! He likes you pretty much the same. Not a thing has changed (really) in regard to his feelings for you. The only change is that he just had sex with you. That’s basically it. I hope it was good! In fact, if he does have strong feelings for you, it can actually freak him out a bit, so don’t be surprised if he pulls back a little bit or acts a little different at first. Give him some space to process his feelings and don’t freak out! Give him a minute or a day at least to get his head on straight. Keep smiling and enjoy the moment. Don’t get yourself freaked out either. It’s okay to take a pulse on what just happened. If he really is the guy for you, some pretty strong emotions are happening right now. Enjoy the moment a bit and don’t freak out!
What does all of this mean?
Women need to bond after sex. Men need to bond before sex if they are going to stick around. To men, sex is more about an accomplishment than a feeling. They need to work really hard to get you in bed. Then once they do, they have achieved something! There’s a reason some men call getting a woman into bed a conquest. Notches on their belt, and the like.
I’m not saying men are jerks for feeling a sense of accomplishment by the way. Men fall in love and make love too. They just don’t get quite so attached as a result of sex, like women tend to do. One way is no better or worse, it’s just different. It’s just the way it is.
My point is this. If you really like a guy and think he is the one for you, then make him wait. Make sure that you have formed a loving relationship and that you have connected on a deeper level before you have sex. You have to realize that it won’t happen as a result of sex.
What are the signs that he won’t go anywhere after you have sex?
I’m not saying this is 100%, but there are some pretty good tell-tale signs that’s its safe to hop in bed!
- You are communicating with each other pretty much every day. It doesn’t have to be a long-winded conversation everyday. Maybe some quick hellos and good nights in-between long conversations, but he is definitely keeping in touch and is expressing a sincere interest in your life.
- He makes plans to see you every chance he can. This means he is respectful of your time and knows he has to plan to see you. Remember you are not exclusive yet if you don’t have plans for marriage. You should be dating at least three men at once. (What? Not sure about this? Read Old School Dating)
- He is planning future events and activities with you.
- You have met his family or the people closest to him.
- He takes care of you. He does little things to make your life easier or he simply does things that are thoughtful. This could be anything dependent upon what your guy is good at. My husband is really technical. He would help me fix my computer, or buy me little gadgets to help make my life easier. He also would send me flowers because he knows how much I love fresh flowers in the house. Which leads me to my next sign…
- He really listens to you when you talk. When a man does thoughtful things for you it means he is listening to you. He is interested in what you have to say, and what makes you happy. He wants to positively contribute to your life.
- He does what he says he is going to do. He keeps his word and isn’t flaky.
If a guy is doing these things more or less, then he probably has strong feelings for you. I’m not saying he is going to propose, but these are pretty good indicators that he does consider your feelings. If he is legitimately considerate of your feelings, then the likelihood of him taking off after sex is lower. There are no guarantees of course, but if he isn’t at least doing the above, then you may want to wait a bit longer. You may need to see if he really is committed to contributing to your happiness and has plans to stick around.
Bottom line, make him wait. Hold out sister! If you have sex too soon and for the wrong reasons, it can get super weird, or worse feelings get hurt. So, ladies, before you have sex with him, make sure that he truly cares about you. Make sure that you’re headed towards exclusivity and marriage. Otherwise you will risk heart break.
Take care of your heart.
Can He Just Spend the Night Without Sex?
If you really like a guy don’t spend the night together either. You’re more likely to have sex too early if he spends the night. Don’t let him sleep on your couch either and especially not in your bed! He cannot get into your bed. Set boundaries and make sure he is willing to commit before he gets to spend the night. Yes, even if you’re not having sex. It’s too easy to get lost in the moment, especially if you have a high sex drive. Don’t be tempted!
We’re looser with sex these days. No pun intended, but that’s why it’s so important to make sure that a man truly cares about you and your happiness before you have sex with him. Otherwise, prepare to potentially be heart-broken.
If you really like him a lot, and think he is the one, make him wait! You can do it. You can hold out a little bit longer. After all, if he is the guy for you, then you will have the rest of your lives to make up for lost time. 🙂
Also, did you know women are more “in the mood” when they’re ovulating? Their testosterone levels increase. You can thank the biological need to reproduce for this one. When women are in the mood there is a good chance they are ripe for the picking!
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